Deadline...

I'll tell you what i am doing... I started a journal. And if by the time its done i dont feel happier or changed in the best way i will CTB. And if that happens i decided to make copies of it and give them to my loved ones. I couldn't write them anything since i am horrible at expressing myself or getting a point through anyone.
They could probably find answers in my writings.
I feel horrible to consider CTB. But i cant keep living a life for others to be happy eternally. Its what i've done for as long as i can remember. There is one person i show to people (AKA Purple Orchid... LOL) She is happy, worry-free, normal etc. and then there's the real one (aka Rainy Days) I am sad, suicidal, hopeless, craving affection, longing for comprehension, love etc... There are times when i am truly happy.
Take right now for example. The one man i care for is speaking to me and giving me all the affection i need. He makes me happy. He is the reason why i want to stay alive some more. Alive so i can stare into his eyes, hold him in my arms, smell his skin and just feel good.
MMMmmm I sound like an obsessed woman lol... i swear i am not! I am actually pretty sane considering what i went through in my life...
But that story is for another post.